March 9, 2014

March 9, 2014
As I sit here I am filled with a familiar feeling of calmness and bliss.  This month we have been married for 5 simply amazing years and on March 5th I found out we were 5 weeks pregnant.  Yes, we have been pregnant a few times before yet if the Gods above see it to be fit we will have a successful pregnancy this time. 

If you go back far enough into my blog you will see that we have had more than our share of struggles both emotionally and physically.  So to say that we are both afraid to be excited is an understatement.  I have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow Monday, March 10, 2014 at 11:00am to find out if this pregnancy has landed in the proper place.  This has been a reallllyyy long weekend.  Monday could not come fast enough. 

As of November 2013 I had finally said enough is enough we need a break.  We err I stopped all fertility treatments and stopped tracking even my ovulation.  Moussa went to Morocco for a month in December and I knew we would be gearing up to buy a house around April 2014 so I figured a break was needed.  So now here it is March 2014 and I decided to talk to my doctor about my inability to lose weight no matter what I tried.  For 10 days I was doing great.  I had lost 8lbs and my energy level was through the roof.  On March 5 I was having some discomfort whenever I would try and urinate so I decided to call and make an appointment just incase I had developed a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection).  When I went it (the same day) I asked if the diet pill could have caused the UTI since I could tell it was definitely messing with my system.  I told them that I had read how the diet pill could delay your period which it had done mine.  They said yes possibly.  The doc left the room to get the results from my urine test and sure enough I did have a UTI.  Then she sat across from me and told me that I was to stop the diet pills immediately because I was pregnant.  My express didn't change at all which shocked her.  I looked her dead in the eye and said well can't this pill and possibly the UTI give you a false positive?  She agreed that many things could but that to make sure she would draw a blood sample and call me on Friday.  I left not really thinking much about it.  I knew I could not afford to get excited.  I had myself all but convinced she would call me on Friday to confirm my thoughts.  On Thursday she called around 10am and said well April, your test came back and you are indeed pregnant.  I could barely contain myself.  It was so hard to not respond with too much excitement since I was in my office.  After giving me a few do's and don't she then told me to schedule an appt. with my OBGYN as soon as I could.  I did just that.  Then I knew I had to keep my cool for the rest of the day.  Givin' that Moussa and I work together that was a struggle.  I didn't want to tell him at the office.  So we went home that night and I asked him if he wanted his Anniversary present a bit early.  Of course he said yes.  I said well since we are buying our house soon I just got you something really little.  I told him to close his eyes and hold out his hands.  I then took his hands and placed them on my tummy.  When his eyes opened he did the best dance I have ever seen.  I told him honey we have been married for 5 years and now we are 5 weeks pregnant.  We both had a wonderful evening of what if's.  For the rest of the weekend we have been trading lightly on the subject.  So now we just keep thinking of tomorrow's appointment.  So till then...

August 30, 2013

August 30, 2013

Obviously, I ended up not being pregnant however we are starting our 2nd cycle of Clomid again this month.  They will also be having me give myself shots of the HCG hormone in about a week for only a few days.  I feel as if now I will know what is normal reactions to the Clomid vs. thinking I may be pregnant.  I like to be able to look back at my past months logs to compare.  It helps me keep my sanity.  So we shall see what takes place this coming month of September.  I will be turning 37 in September and Moussa will be turning 28.  Fingers crossed.

August 13, 2013

I am now at DPO 5 (Days Past Ovulation).  Ah the terms I am still learning.  There seems to be a whole new language in the pregnancy world.  I continue to track my every twinge.  I am still fighting to not be obsessed and chalk it up to merely recording for medical reasons.  However, knowing that I have at least 5 more days until a very sensitive HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) will even possibly register is pretty tortuous.  I still feel great to know that I have done all that is required of me and am being monitored by such an amazing Fertility Specialist.  I inquired about the size of my follicles that I had tested on August 8, 2013.  I had read about how the size of them truly mattered.  I read that anything between a size 18 and 28mm was wonderful.  They also said that the follicles can grow between 1 to 2mm per day until they were released.  My largest follicle on the right side (which is where I have my tube) was 25mm and another was 14mm.  From further research I guess that is exactly the range to be in.  If my 2nd one was larger then I would have had a chance to have twins however I think I am to only rely on the 25mm one. 

Now, here comes the privately obsessive part where I am tracking every twinge.

- I am bloated
- nauseated the moment I awake that fades throughout the day until evening when it picks back up
- headache
- boobs are heavy and sore
- increased CM (tmi I know)
- beyond exhausted - by 10p.m. I can no longer keep my eyes open
- heartburn
- frequent urination
- light cramping that dances from side to side

On to more days of feeling like a crazy person.  The unknown is always the hardest part for me.

~April

August 8, 2013

August 8, 2013


I will back up a few days to get to today.  These are my personal notes that I keep to monitor my symptoms etc.  They are usually written in present tense for that day.

August 6, I presume I will test positive tomorrow because I am already lightly cramping, am bloated, have a headache am extremely nauseous yet not actually throwing up.  I have this overwhelming feeling as if my bladder is low in my abdomen and is full.  I envision a huge water balloon.  I am exhausted yet trying not to complain because I am excited to see what may happen this first round of Clomid.  

August 7, took OPK (digital) tested positive (smiley face).  I knew it.  I am so happy.  This explains the awful nauseous feelings I had this morning.  I have read that if you have taken Clomid that the cramps, bloating, uncomfortable feeling and nausea will go away after you ovulate.  Per the Dr. office they say I should be ovulating tomorrow.  When I called to let them know I tested positive for my LH surge they immediately made an appt. for tomorrow morning at 7:30a.m. to do an ultra sound to check my follicles. I have this overwhelming feeling of contentment just knowing that everything is going as it should for once.  I am not stressed out at all.  I am actually just making sure I do everything that I am supposed to.  If they say jump I will jump.

August 8, Went to the Doctor today at 7:30a.m. for my ultra sound to look at my follicles. They saw 1 large mature follicle on my right side and a few smaller ones on my left side (which does not matter since I do not have a tube there).  I was told me lining was very thick which is a very good sign.  So far everything is following along to the letter.  They did confirm that the symptoms that I am experiencing will diminish once I release the egg during ovulation.  They are predicting me to ovulate today or early tomorrow.  I was forwarned that ovulation could be painful this time due to the Clomid.  Then they scheduled me to have my progesterone levels checked on August 15 and August 19.  I am supposed to take a HPT on August 23. Sure no problem I can wait that long to test....(scoff).  Anyone that is TTC (trying to conceive) knows that waiting is the hardest part.  

So now we continue doing exactly as we are told and we shall see what happens.

July 31, 2013

I am excited to be starting a new month tomorrow.  I know this must be our chance to create a little miniature Sakouk.  This month I was put on Clomid (100mg) which is a fertility drug that stimulates the release of hormones necessary for ovulation to occur.  Majority of the time this is given to women that do not ovulate.  That is not the case for me.  I do ovulate I just need to be able to ovulate from both sides since I am down to one tube.  I see some women are given 50mg to start with and then if that does not result in a pregnancy then they up it to 100mg.  I suppose I am pleased that I was immediately put on the higher dosage.  Maybe they figure with my age they do not want to waste any more time.  Doctors do not usually have you take the Clomid for more than 4 to 6 cycles.  I suppose they figure that if you are not pregnant by the end of 4 to 6 cycles then there must be additional issues with that person's fertility.  On the positive side I see quite a few stories where it only took couples a few cycles to get pregnant after years of trying.  It is most certainly something I keep in mind each time I take my pills.  My doctor recommended that I take them days 5-9 of my cycle.  They want me off of the pills and resting until Day 12 of my cycle then I am to start tracking my ovulation with these handy dandy predictor kits that you can pick up at the store.  My amazing husband came home last night from the gym and had purchased an ovulation kit for me.  It was such a sweet sweet surprise.  I know how blessed and lucky I am to have his mirrored excitement as we continue this together.  I am now on Day 4 of taking the medicine.  I only have to take it for 5 days total.  After reading the stories of the possible side effects others have had I feel pretty damn lucky not to be experiencing really any of them.  After reading what some women experience I truly feel that whatever you normally have as PMS symptoms are tripled after taking these fertility drugs.  For me I never get bitchy or angry.  As a matter of fact I usually only get sappy and lovey dovey.  I can cry easily at a sad or emotional TV program/movie.  So if those are the "mood swings" these ladies are talking about then I and Moussa can handles those no problem.  So back to all these calculated days...I swear it is mind boggling how you much you have to pay attention to each instruction on each given day.  I am amazed that so many babies are conceived without any thought given on the parents side.  You seem to basically have a window of 24 to 48 hours each month that it can magically happen.  The stars and moon must be perfectly aligned.  Yet, it happens every single moment around the world.  Mystifying really.  So other than praying our solar system is doing its job I/we shall continue to do as we are told.  I know that during my two week wait from when you can possibly be pregnant to actually being able to test and find out will be torturous as it has in the past yet this month will be especially so since we have now introduced this new element.  I hope to remain calm and silent while waiting.  I do not want to be the "girl who cries wolf" with every little twinge my body creates.  Internally I will be losing my marbles. 
Yesterday, they called with my blood draw results from my doctors appointment on July 26, 2013.  When I asked if there was anything that I needed to truly be worried about they said no.  The only issues that came up were that I have Hypothyroidism which means I do not produce enough forcing my thyroid to work over time.  They called in a prescription that apparently I might be on for the rest of my life.  They will be testing my levels again after I am on the meds for 3 weeks.  I was told this will not delay our original plans with the fertility medicine.  The docs just want to regulate my levels.  Apparently I am at a 4.4 and they want me in the range of 1 to 2.  I also have a low level of Vitamin D which is very simple to correct with 2,000 units per day.  Nice thing is that those you can buy over the counter.  I am excited to know about my Thyroid issues because I truly felt something was not quite right with it about 9 months ago but when my regular physician had it checked apparently per her words it was normal.  Getting this result explains why I can not seem to lose the excessive weight that I have gain any more quickly than I think I should given my new regiment of working out and eating right.  Not to mention how exhausted I am all the time.  So at least I have feeling much better to look forward to within the next few weeks.  That about sums up what has been going on lately. 

July 2013

As July 2, 2013 approached I began to feel sad.  I knew it was my last HSG test.  The previous one that took place in my fertility specialist's office did not offer much hope for my remaining tube.  He had said that it appeared to be closed however since the Radiology Department in the hospital had equipment was more accurate he would like for me to go there and have it done again.

The night before my appointment I had this feeling of dread.  I have done pretty well with keeping my thoughts optimistic up to this point.  However, I knew that the next day's results were going to require us to have the conversation about going either the IVF or adoption route.  I was just not ready to face that yet.  Plus, I knew how painful this procedure was last time so I kept thinking about the pain.

I woke up that morning in a gloomy mood.  We went to work for a few hours.  I decided to take some "strong" pain pills that were left over from my surgery.  I took them about 45 mins before my HSG test.  I kind of had to laugh because I felt them kick in a bit on the drive over to the hospital.  Thankfully my dear husband was driving just for that reason.  As we sat in the waiting room I watched my doctor come through the door.  With the combination of seeing him and my medication beginning to work I started to truly relax.  I kept thinking that I had already gone through so much and was willing to do whatever it took for us to have a baby I was not going to back down now.  My main focus was to just get it over with and deal with the results as they came.

I arrived in the cold radiation room nice and calm.  I was so thankful that my doctor was there to greet me.  He had driven all the way from his office to downtown just for my appointment.  That was a great comfort.  He said he didn't trust anyone else with my test or results.  He truly is good at what he does.  So the test began.  Due to my "strong" medication of percacet I only had a few moments of discomfort.  That alone was wonderful.  He did say that my Uterus looked perfect.  I liked hearing that.  He said regardless of how it may happen that I was in amazing condition to carry the baby.  That was a concern of mine since they had to remove that huge fibroid that was growing on the outside of my uterus.  He was able to remove it without causing scar damage.  That further eased my level of anxiety.   Then came the words I wasn't looking forward to hearing, he said didn't see the fluid going through the tube.  I just sighed thinking...I knew it.  So he had my roll on to my side with the machine positioned right above my lower abdomen.  Once I rolled to my side he pushed quite a bit of fluid through all at once.  Then he had me go back to laying flat on my back.  He then said....

ALL LOOKS GREAT!  Your tube is OPEN!!!

I could not help myself from tearing up quite a bit.  I think I even held my breath afraid I would break down in tears of joy. 

My doctor was elated.  I was over the moon and even the nurse said, "Well honey, everyone deserves some good news every once in a while."  I could not have put it better myself.  My doctor then said that next month he wants to put me on some medicine (Clomid) that will make my body ovulate from both sides.  This way it will up my chances instead of guessing which side I would ovulate on.  Otherwise, we would always be hoping it was going to be the side with the remaining tube.

I got dressed quickly and left.  I found Moussa wandering along the hallways.  I didn't say anything at all.  I just reached up and gave him a big hug.  I whispered in his ear.  My tube is open.  He quickly tightened the hug.  He pulled me away to look at me with the biggest smile ever and then hugged me again!  We floated out of the hospital out to the car.  All the way home we were chatting it up about how wonderful it was that we were getting another chance to conceive naturally.

I called my mother and grandmother and he called his family.  Then he took me home to sleep off the medication while he went back to our office.

As I sit here now, I am feeling a sense of relief and excitement.  We are at a perfect place in our life for us to get pregnant and start our family.  So here's to hopefully continued good news in our near future!

May 2013

It has now been just about 5 months since my last surgery.  I am doing quite well.  I suppose you can call it that.  Due to my surgery and lack of time with school and work I have gain so much weight it is appalling.  Now that school is out for the summer I have great plans for myself and for my health.  I have employed yet another trainer and am sticking to a much healthier way of eating.  Granted this new found agenda has only been in place for a week now but never the less I have lost 3lbs.  I truly like my trainer Nikki.  She seems to "get" me.  I am already feeling more energy as well as more solid hours of sleep at night.  I find I am getting joy from making the smallest amount of progress.  Heck, whatever keeps me motivated right?  I am doing interval training on the treadmill making my heart rate go up and then back down.  Granted I walk for a full minute and then jog for 30 seconds only but I do this consistently for 30 minutes.  I realize after this long of time it will take me a while to build up.  I can't wait until I can jog for a full minute.  I know that does not sounds like a lot however, it is to me.  I have a long way to go to lose these unwanted 75lbs.  Right now I am confident I can chuck away at it. 

As far as our long road to having a baby, I have since had an HSG test on my remaining tube in the doctors office which costs me over $800 only for him to say that I had to get it redone in the hospital since the radiology department has a much stronger and more accurate machine.  So come for find out I have to spend another $800+ just to have it done all over again.  Let me just say that is the most painful procedure I have ever done.  I am not looking forward to it but I will do every step necessary for us to have a baby of our own.  This is the last test I can do that will determine if we can try naturally or if we need to go the IVF or adoption route.  This is a journey that we burden quietly.  Only our family and a select group of friends know the road we have been down.  It has been difficult however my amazing husband constantly tells me that no matter how we will have our very own child to love and raise.  I rely heavily on his confidence.  It troubles me from time to time to know that no matter what I do or what I go through I am unable to have a baby as easily and naturally as most of the people around me.  I know that is no way to think yet, those thoughts creep up on me sometimes.  For the most part, I do my best to think positively and know in my heart that God would not put us through all of this if he did not have a grand plan for us.  In the mean time, we continue to enjoy time spent with loved ones new and old.  We have new babies in the family that thankfully their mother's allow us to have a little practice with. 

Welcome Summer...I have missed you!